The Well-Connected Child

by Angie Grindon, LCSW, LPC

This is such an exciting era regarding what we are learning about the BRAIN! This new knowledge is impacting every area of our lives, confirming, expanding or correcting what we previously believed. We now know that the brain is amazingly plastic, capable of remarkable change even in adulthood. 

We are also learning that physical exercise, good nutrition, positive, loving, safe, nurturing, close relationships, loving touch, reliable safety, consistency, good eye contact, attention, listening, structure and routine are all essential* to strong brain development and health. This most recent  knowledge gives us a new roadmap for our own living and for caring for and parenting our children.

When we are stressed, our behavior, thinking, and emotional well-being tends to deteriorate. We do not always recognize stress in ourselves or others. Most people learn, early in life, ways to mask observable signs of stress so as to not appear vulnerable. Children’s sense of vulnerability is both physical and emotional. Children (and adults) may be able to mask stress in its early stages, but in later stages it can result in acting out (e.g. anger, destructive behavior) or acting in (e.g. withdrawal).

What we know now is that once our brain is overly excited (stressed), we cannot think well. We act out a flight/fight response. Returning to our good, balanced brain requires time, positive calm and a sense of emotional and physical safety.  Until that is restored we cannot process information, talk about what is going on with ourselves, or regain use of our thinking brain. 

As adults and parents, we need to provide children with a daily “diet” of those essentials above(*). It is critical to their development. Also, to help our children develop, we must stop and attend to a child when she is displaying signs of stress (e.g. poor or deteriorating behavior, withdrawal, resistance). When this happens a child needs help to return to her best self.  To help, we engage in those identified essential* behaviors. We must do so sincerely and with a caring heart. And, this must be repeated at least daily, and more often when a child is stressed. This enables the child to learn to do so for herself and/or ask for help with this when she needs it. 

These are the elements for eventually developing a positively- and well-connected child: a child whose behavior is positive (most all of the time), can become excited, can calm down, has good eye-contact naturally, enjoys loving, safe touch and time with her caretakers, is engaged in her life, enjoys learning new things, is playful, physically active and creative.

Broken Embrace

by Martha Doolittle

"Occasionally, weep deeply over the life you hoped would be. Grieve the losses. Then wash your face. Trust God. And embrace the life you have." John Piper

I was broken. I always knew that, although not in those words. But the accumulation of rejections, humiliations, fears and bad choices felt like a spin cycle that had washed away my dreams, leaving me stressed, overweight and unforgiving. I felt I had to prove myself, be in control of my life and make sure that the world could not exist without me. It wasn't until my 57th birthday, when I had my stroke, that I began to heal and become whole. As painful as it was I knew it was my rescue from everything I'd been caught up in and didn't know how to get out of. 

My life in recovery became the perfect metaphor for a broken life on the mend. I learned to:
 

• Submit to the process: It's going to be messy, uncomfortable, inconvenient, often embarrassing, and sometimes incomprehensible but the rules and restrictions of your recovery keep you safe and allow for healing. 
• Be patient: Take time to listen to your body, your mind and and your spirit and respond to what they're telling you. Release the stress of worrying about what you can't do. Instead, focus on what you can do and practice it calmly and consistently. 
• Move slowly: This is your opportunity to take time to be quiet, sleep, read, write - whatever recharges your spirit and brings you rest. You don't have to hurry and get well. In fact, hurrying is dangerous and it prolongs the healing process.  As you rest, your stamina will increase, at your pace.
• Think of other people: You may be the one in recovery but anyone who helps you is in it with you. Whether they asked for that opportunity or it was thrust upon them, they are there for you and deserve your honor, respect and gratitude. For those who offered, this could be your chance to develop new friends or deepen current friendships. You need others to help you shoulder your burden. But others need you as well, to give of themselves, to affirm that their life matters, too.

My faith has been my anchor, my source of hope and the key to living in recovery. Child of God and friend of Jesus, I KNOW He loves me and is vigilantly caring for me at every moment, whether I'm under my challenges or on top of the world. Therapists in the hospital were quick to point out "you're not a victim - you're a survivor!"  Well I'm not just a survivor, I'm a life-affirming traveler on the road He made just for me and every day has a rich landscape that feeds my body, mind, and spirit and gives me, and everyone who shares my journey with me, what I need for the next day if I take the time to receive it.

Each month, in this blog, you will read about something on the heart and mind of one of our therapists.  Through fresh perspective, encouragement, and psychological, medical and spiritual breakthroughs, their words will affirm "our human suffering need not be an obstacle to the joy and peace we so desire but can become instead the means to it." Henri Nouwen

We'd love to hear from you when a blog has particular meaning for you.