by
Leslie Schultea, MS, LPC,
LMFT
One of the primary goals
of parenting is to raise our children to be responsible and fully functioning
adults. A legal adult is defined as “a
person who has attained the age of majority and is therefore regarded as
independent, self-sufficient and responsible.”
A common term for this process is “adulting.” Regardless of emotional maturity of a person
each child needs to be fully equipped by the age of 18 to accept and manage
adult responsibility.
Unfortunately many parents
delay or even avoid this process in an effort to “hang on to their children,”
avoid upsetting their children or honestly not knowing how vitally important
this process is for life long success.
Teaching your children to be responsible and independent can not and
should not be rushed or hurried. If you
wait too long you are likely to over whelm and cause fear in your
children. Both parents and children
should have a sense of excitement and pride in the adulting process.
Below is a list of the
areas that parents need to address in an effort to successfully help your
children become a successful, independent and self-sufficient adult. In other words “adulting your children.”
1.
Taking Risks-Encourage your children to do things outside of their
comfort zone and do not protect them for real life pitfalls and
disappointments. Taking risks will show
them that they can rely on themselves and survive hard situations on their own
without being rescued.
2.
Managing
Finances-Teach your children basic
banking skills and managing money. Open
a bank account for your children and give them a budget to manage. Reinforce real life consequences if they do
not adhere to their budget.
3.
Navigate
Around Town and in new/unknown Areas-Teach
your children to identify roads, highways, routes and real life travel
situation and allow them to find their way around without escorting them. Teach them to also fill up their gas tank and
take basic care of their automobile.
Educating them about public transportation is also very important.
4.
Cooking,
Cleaning and Self-Care-Children must
know how to cook at least basic recipes and measure ingredients in order to
feed themselves. They also need to know
how to do their own laundry along with purchase their own clothes within a
budget. By the time a child is in their
late teens they should know how to do their own laundry, care for their
clothing and maintain it. Basic hygiene must also be addressed early on
and reinforced throughout the teen years.
This might seem like a simple concept but many tweens and teens resist
basic hygiene skills which are necessary in adulthood.
5.
Managing
Relationships and Social Media-Children
must learn to negotiate and mediate friendships and other relationships. They need guidance in understanding social
norms, non-verbal behavior and social clues that will help them adapt and
adjust to different types of relationships.
Successful completion of these skills will ultimately help in social and
work relationships. Children must
understand the risks of social media and posting things on social media that
are not appropriate.
6.
Time
Management-You must be a good example
of time management and expect your children to adhere to a schedule and respect
time limits. Do not schedule things for
them and do not constantly remind them of time constraints. The best time to learn this skill is in
childhood instead of late adolescence.
Have consequences for tardiness.
7.
Talking to Adults
and Strangers-It is imperative to
teach your children to look adults in the eyes when speaking to them and speak
in an assertive (not quiet and passive) manner.
You can start this at a very early age by allowing children to order for
themselves while eating out and speaking for themselves when meeting with
teachers, Doctors and the like. These
basic social skills are mandatory when entering the adult world of college,
work and other relationships.
8.
Marriage and
Long Term Relationship-It is the duty
of parents to model healthy marital relationships as well as discuss with them
what their personal expectations are in their own intimate relationships. The teen years are the perfect time to
discuss with your children and explain the positive qualities of a good partner
along with healthy modeling what a healthy relationship looks like.
9.
Critical
Thinking-At the age of 12 critical
thinking skills begin to form. Parents
during the teen years either encourage and reinforce this behavior and shut it
down. Allow your children to make
decisions even if they make an error in judgement (within reason). Children need to learn natural consequences
of their choices and if their parents are always making their decisions for
them those natural consequences will not occur.
10. Learning and Understanding Politics-Teens must be educated about politics and the rights
that they will hold when they are adults.
Parents need to encourage open conversations about politics even if
their views differ. It is your job to
reinforce that their opinion does matter
and they have a voice which may influence their adult life. Push them to look and talk about all things
that are pertaining to politics and remind them how important it is to be a
part of shaping their own future.
“Adulting” can be a hard
process for some parents and children but the best advice is to start early and
be consistent through the teen years.
The skills listed above will make the path a bit easier in the long run. Remember that you are setting up your
children for success when they “fly the nest” and set out on their own. Your hard work and persistence will pay off
when you realize that you have raised strong, independent and self-sufficient
adults who are ready to manage and master their world and environment.
